for my Lord Anpu

 

I’ve always felt like a visitor here in this world and an unwelcome one at that.

I’ve never really felt comfortable in my body.  Maybe it’s because of the pain.  Sometimes I think other people must  be lying about not being in constant pain.  It’s so alien to me.  Right now as I write this I’ve taken my pain meds so the pain in my knees, toes, fingers, neck and back are muffled.  Still there.  My left side – knees, toes and fingers are in particular a bit vocal at the moment.

The pain was always there even as a small child.  The pain in my knees was so bad that I couldn’t sit still at my desk.  The teachers gave up on me and let me move around.

Than there was the constant ostracism and rejection. Being the target of relentless bullying by teachers and students alike.  I was different.

I never felt welcome or wanted in this world.  I thought of suicide often from the ripe old age of six …and yes I knew what death ment.  But something stopped me.  One day I stood by the side of a road waiting for a car.  I was going to run in front of it.  I did that often.  Car roulette.  Than I saw her … A Lady.  I could both see her and see through her.  She shook her head no and told me I had work to do when I grew up.  She said it was going to be worth the pain.  The car I was waiting for came.  It was going very fast.  The wind from it almost knocked me over. I still played that game sometimes but not as often.

The lady gave me hope.

I had a few more childhood close attempts at exiting.  My moms sleeping pills in Jefferson New York and again in Jefferson going outside when it was winter and we lived on top of a hill on top of a mountain.  Death by freezing is easy …the pain of the cold turns warm and you just go to sleep.  I was between 11 and 13 when I did these things.

Both times my family had played one of my “evil” moms games. Her eyes would glaze over when she was “evil mom” and “nice mom” never seemed to remember what “evil mom” did .   She would say “let’s play what’s wrong with Linda”. She got my father and brother to play along.

It went like this.  Mom, dad and brother would sit in the living room.  TV was off and I had to stand in front of them.  Led by mom, who outdid any bully at school with insults , mockery and so forth, they would all rip me to pieces.  There was no part of me that was not exposed, criticized and mocked.   A “game” usually lasted an hour or more …I timed it.  Any attempt at self-defense was torn into savagely and as the final cherry on the cake, with her face red and contorted with triumphant rage she would scream “now you know how it feels …how do you like it!!!”  I would be crying and for that I would be mocked for not being able to take ‘constructive’ criticism.  I both loved and hated my mother, felt betrayed by brother and dad …but most of all I hated myself.

I made the choice never to have children of my own when I was 12.  I didn’t want to bring a child into this world that was like me.  I was also afraid I’d abuse a child the way I was being abused.  I had reason to fear that.  I mistreated my younger sister.  I sometimes treated her the way my mother treated me.  I hated myself for that.  I also had lost time so I feared that I also might have split. It was clear that my mom was split she was sometimes nice and loving and at other times crazy and abusive.  I could not trust myself not to be an abuser. I did my best later in life to help my sister heal.  She is an awesome woman.  I love her so very much. I am very fortunate that she chose to forgive me.

When I was a kid I promised myself that I’d write about the abuse, what I’ve already mentioned barely scratches the surface, but I’ve been mostly silent all these years because I wanted to protect her. I also didn’t want to hurt my father or brother.  They are both good men and I know they regret taking part in the abuse.

I realized that she really was a split personality even before I knew what it was called.  She didn’t remember what she did. The triumphant rage was because she was not seeing ‘me’ an innocent though admittedly already psychologically damaged child – she saw her own abusers.  She always yelled things like ‘now you know how it feels how do you like it!’ this confused the hell out of me as a child.

As an adult I cultivated my relationship with her and I came to love her deeply.  I decided I didn’t want her to remember.  Not until she crosses over and has kindly healing spirits to help her deal with both the abuse she suffered and the abuse she committed.

Forgiveness.  If we don’t forgive we remain bound to those who have harmed us.  Retribution?  Do you wish to remain forever bound to those who have harmed you ..to return to this world again and again …pain, anger, fear ..these will bring us back to this heavy material world just as much as the lust for pleasure, the desire for physical sensation.

I write about this now because my mom has Alzheimer’s and cannot get online to read it.  For the past 30 years she has been a good person and I hate what is happening to her.

My Lord, My Master, My beloved God collects damaged souls.  He works with us to heal us.  He gives us love, protection and hope.  His light-hearted sense of humor helps me to step away from the pain.  If you are drawn to Him there is a very good chance that you were or are being abused.  Let Him help you.  He tells me over and over again the pains and troubles of this life are only temporary.  Just do your best every day to live with honor and compassion.  When this go round is over He will be there for you …oh how I long to be in His arms …but we must remain here and do whatever work He puts in front of us until He comes to take us to the Duat.

We may be damaged but we are strong.  We have seen the evil in people yet we choose to see also the hurt and sickness that caused them to behave the way they do.  We choose kindness over cruelty, love over hate, forgiveness over retribution.

Why write about this now?  I don’t know.  I feel compelled to do so.  Perhaps someone reading this who is still stuck in self-hatred because they believe what abusers and bullies have told them about themselves will find hope for healing after reading this.  Know this You are worthy of  love.  You are beautiful.  You deserve love.

Healing is possible.

May Lord Anubis comfort and heal you

Blessings now and always.

Anpu’s Crone