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There is so much that I need to be doing but I’m having a hard time doing anything at all.
My niece well be coming to live with my husband and I in just a few more days. My house is a wreck. Her room is packed with boxes and furniture. No where near ready for her to move in.
We have a lot of work to do.
Why is December such a difficult time of year?
Memories. Everything seems to trigger a memory. I see a Christmas tree and I’m at my childhood home on Long Island New York on Christmas Eve. My cousins and my brother and I playing with our new toys a riot of adult conversion in the background everyone seeming to talk at once. Gone …so many have already died others like most of my cousins I’ve not seen or spoken to in almost 40 years. We moved away and we all grew apart.
Then there are changes in society the little towns, the neighborhoods, the places where your grandparents grew up and then your patents. Generations of family,friends and neighbors living in the same little towns. There was a sense of community of belonging. Gone now for most of us.
Here in Florida winter lacks the power it had in upstate New York or on long Island. Everything is green and it’s still warm enough to run the air conditioning but I do remember the cold and the dark.
Another memory. My mother keeping a small table full of potted plants in the living room in upstate New York. The plants lent a little bit of life when the world seemed so cold and gloomy and dead. There was no quite on that mountain. The wind howled something fierce. The wind sounded like old time wailing seeming to be morning some unknown dead spirit. The gloom of winter, the longest night can bring on depression.
Then there is the veil. In October when the veil is thin I feel the presence of my beloved dead but it isn’t painful. It feels more like a reunion. I love that time of year. As the veil slowly thickens I can almost feel them drifting slowly away from me like passengers on a ferry boat. I know I will see them again but now I feel each loss more keenly almost as if they died only just now. I write this for Him. Many people are depressed this time of year. How much more must I write?
Visiting my parents I see the pain in my fathers eyes and the confusion and desperation in my mothers. They are in their 70s. Mom has Alzheimer’s. I see her struggle to hold on to her selfhood while the disease slowly but relentlessly strips it away from her. My father does all he can for her but in the end he can only watch her slip away. She tried suicide and failed. I’m so selfish I don’t want to lose her. She promises not to do it again. A final act of love. Staying with us as long as she can. I am her child, will I have her courage? If this disease strikes me ? I don’t think so.
My brother and sister-in-law are on their way back from her brother’s funeral. She has now only his son, her nephew left of her blood family.
A beautiful soul, my husbands first wife died to young on December 14 a few years ago. I see the hurt in her children and grandchildren. There are no words that can ease their pain.
Yes December is hard. But the divine message of December is the rebirth and renewal of the sun after the darkest night.
My Lord Anpu councils patience – life will triumph over death. Light over darkness. Do not give in to despair hold on my friends and hail the rebirth of Ra. Whomever you morn, whatever your hardship or sadness remember our Gods have been there and they will help you through it. Take the time to meditate and listen.